back on my feet / farmer's luck

for the past 2 weeks i have been on crutches. but yesterday i walked again. at least it was yesterday when i started writing this post (3 days ago).

club i apologize. i have never done anything like this to you. but i was literally on crutches and hobbling around and i would get home and pass out instantaneously! this is why i have been on such a terrible hiatus! but now i'm back. just in time for college season when i will prob take more extended leaves if i'm being honest. but today, i'm back. 

during my crutches time i was basically bedridden and thus i did a lot of things: sleeping, homework, and movies! i have watched 8 movies since i was hit by that car and they have made me very happy. i've been reminded of all the things I want to try in the world, so there's a silver lining in all of this. actually i think there have been many.

this whole near-death experience reminded me of the tale of the farmer's luck. i first read it in a book called Zen Shorts, a children's picture book about a panda named Stillwater, but i think the story is originally Taoist. this is my retelling:

there once was a farmer and he had a horse. but one day his horse ran away. all the townspeople said "oh no your horse! what bad luck!" and the farmer was like maybe idk. 

then the next day his horse came back and it brought 10 horses with it! and the townspeople said "oh my so many horses! what good luck!" and the farmer said i guess so idk.

later in the week, the farmer's son tries to ride one of the new wild horses. the horse throws him off the saddle and the boy injures his legs and he's walking around on crutches now (like me). all the townspeople said "oh dear your son! what bad luck!" and the farmer was like i'm not so sure.

a couple days later, military recruiters come by to draft the son in the war. but they see him and his crutches and they passed on him. the townspeople see this and say "oh lovely! such good luck!" and the farmer said maybe.

the story exists to remind you it's all about perspective and that at least you're not getting drafted into the military. and for that i am grateful. some good things about things about getting hit by a car are as follows:

• my pecs and left calf got super muscular from the crutches because it's a calisthenics workout no matter what you do
• i did a ton of college stuff because i couldn't do anything else and now i don't have to do it when i have the option to do fun stuff
• my friends brought me cookies
• a man in the subway saw my foot brace and asked "how'd ya bust your flipper?" which is an exchange i wouldn't have experienced if i didn't bust my flipper in the first place
• generally made me thankful for the ability to walk
• filled me with ideas of what to do when i could walk, which was both sad because i couldn't do them in the moment, but also good because now i have things i'm excited for
• i watched a bunch of movies which i already said but i love movies! Riddle of Fire was my favorite and i think i'm gonna have to write a whole separate post about that

there are some sad things too of course. is it worth it to mention them?

• my cats were scared of my crutches and i virtually couldn't touch them for 2 weeks
• the night pains. oh, the night pains
• rethinking everything i did that morning that led to me taking that specific road at that specific time
• had to call my mom and tell her I was in an ambulance
• dreams of being paralyzed!

enough of that. I just figured it's only fair to show both sides of my experience. i truly did flip around constantly like the farmer's luck. now I am still wearing the boot and i'm very slow to walk anywhere and i sound like a pirate with a peg leg traversing a ship deck. my stitches came out and my knee bends as normal. i don't ice my foot anymore. 

usually I have some pictures or something to put at the end of my text posts, but honestly I haven't been taking many pictures because 1. i didn't go anywhere, 2. it's hard to get a camera out when you're on crutches, and 3. my main camera is broken. so I will leave tonight with a picture of Stillwater the panda. 

topics soon to come are:

• my upcoming photoshoots inspired by many ancient greek deities
• Riddle of Fire review
• linking this sacred blog on my Vassar applications (controversial)
• the song i wrote with my friend to process our falling out (emotional)

good night club

summer song - jackalope

hey i really love my blog. so I should post on it right? yeah i know. but this summer is swallowing me whole. it is rushing over me like a wave that i refuse to dive through. in general i don't know how to feel about august yet. july passed so slowly, everyday was holepunched. but august is quick. so far. i think i am okay with this. 

i think this is because i turned 17 at the very end of july. 17 is so different and I love it. that is like a whole different post. this post was meant for the song I wrote at the beginning of july. i think i may have wrote it with someone in mind but that person no longer matters to me! also for another blog post. but I love this song a lot. it is played with only fingerpicking like 2 chords but it is so sweet. its called "jackalope" right now but i am open to changing it. i hope to record it and post it on my bandcamp (also called robotics club). 

summer sinks in 

like a dragonfly bite

don’t know why it hurts so bad

skin pierces

it’s just a small thing

but get used to

it being around

summer crawls in 

like a baby bear

it walks on all fours

time will pass and

it will mature

get on two legs and roar

summer seethes

like a leech

stuck to your leg

from the pond

scrape it off

with a playing card

never knew you needed

the six of hearts

summer swarms

like a cicada

every 17 years

i think it’s time for the brood

but don’t be scared i got you

we will stay inside together

summer hides away

like a jackalope

was it all even real

should i mount it on my wall

so big yet so small

let it return to the wild

i think this song aged really well for how my summer is going. i wrote it on july 2nd and its now august 8th. this summer has been kind of transformative yet i am the exact same. i feel like it is a return to my old self. i turned 17 but i also turned 13. i am excited to meet myself for the rest of this summer. but I also want this summer to end immediately and start my senior year already. i think this summer might be the perfect length actually (excluding for my summer homework). in conclusion i have a lot of feelings about these 2 months. i hope they only get richer and more complicated.

i have so much to blog about. all 400 pictures from japan. the 30 page scrapbook i started in tokyo and finished in my bedroom. my other feelings about 17. my feelings about him. and her. and them all. the book I've been reading, Severance by Ling Ma. my new obsession with Cansei de Ser Sexy. the other songs I've written. but I don't know if I will get to it because I'm binging Gossip Girl. and i'm about to binge the new season of the Umbrella Academy. i think i need to just blog more casually. write more reviews of mundane things like the coffees I try and the days I live and the youtube videos I watch. i want to start reading magazines and comics and more books please!

however how much of this will actually happen. because i have to write 2 huge essays this summer. and translate a lot of greek. and edit a documentary under my film internship. and volunteer at the food pantry in the mornings. and apply to colleges :[ I have approximately 27 days left to do all of that (fuck i should not have counted that up). yet after all of that i am excited. i am excited for those 27 days. i am excited for senior year. i am excited to live out this 18th year of my life. and i am excited to blog all about it i hope.

for realz I am going to try to post casually. the dude who inspired me to make this blog literally writes a singular paragraph or posts a painting he likes or whatever. im actually gonna do that right after i press publish on this one because I saw some real cool shit in okayama. but i also love to pour my brainz out and write 6 paragraphs that only sort of tie together. so I guess this post is worth like 4 of that dude's posts!

okay I think i am done with this one. let me just add oneeeeee little picture to top it off.

the summer vibes in kyoto are quite strong.

show madness!

 hey club members!

i have been so insanely exhausted. this is for a couple reasons. Last week was tiring because it was my last week of classes. so i had a ton of exams and projects and nothing interesting to really say because I was so mentally burnt out. I was also dealing with some friendship stuff with some of my closest friends so I was emotionally exhausted also.

Last week was equally tiring i am afraid. this is because I was organizing and practicing for a show that I was hosting at the end of the week! my band severly overworked ourselves. we practiced for hours on wednesday through friday morning. my bandmate even slept over thursday night so we could finish the song we were writing for the next day. meanwhile the friendship stuff was still kind of lingering on my mind. 

The most stressful day was friday. Organizing and hosting this show was so intense. I will not be doing it for a while. And after all that chaos, i had to be ready to play while also sweaty and delirious from lack of sleep. those 5 minutes before I performed were actually hell. 

In the end, the show was a success. I am so proud of my band and myself for putting all that together. the only part I am unsatisfied with is how I forgot all the lyrics to the song we stayed up all night writing. I would say it was all in vain, but it really wasn't. I will not elaborate.

i will probably write something longer about this show. there are some details about a 7/11 and a pool that i want to include. but im still processing and i am still tired. so just wait.

I would post pictures from the show but i unfortunately took ZERO because I was too busy with everything else. and I will not post pictures of my band quite yet because I don't think I want my face on here right now. also I don't want to post someone else's pictures. so just trust me that it happened, ok?

on another note, I finally told someone about this blog. like 30 minutes ago. she was very understanding. I did not give her the link.

i still feel like I need to attach something to this post, so here's a snippet of the chorus we wrote

i wanted to believe

that we would make it to the summer

i couldn't be deceived

if only we were a little bit dumber

its not too bad for being written in a night

(walkman + pastel sketch from last week)

(might post the finished sketch another time)

(#bring back walkmans)

on an entirely different note just because I am still awake and writing (12:57am), what book should I read next? i loved Pandora's Jar but it took a while to get through because it was nonfiction. i feel like I need something very fast paced and summery and maybe with romance subplot or fantasy elements? i am trying to not buy any more books so here are a few contenders I already own:

- Persephone Station by Stina Leicht

- Stardust by Neil Gaiman

- Severance by Ling Ma

tomorrow I will decide as it is now 1:05 and I need to stop this.

theres smth about returning to the ocean

I would never do anything to hurt you / i know. that's why i was so surprised

-5.26